Out In The Audience

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.” Phil. 3:13

This is an incredible passage; and in the context that I’m referring to it as incredible, I mean it’s incredibly easy to misapply this verse to our lives, consciously and subconsciously. We want to ‘forget’ and move ahead, especially if we were the transgressor. I learned that this morning as I sat down and had breakfast with my pastor. We were just getting to know each other, and ‘the mouth,’ which is a name my wife ascribed to me and not in an ingratiating manner, spoke. I spoke of things, dark and deep; steeped in many years, it was a bitter and strong tea to drink. Forgive the pun, but forty-some odd years was ‘oolong’ a time, and I came face to face with truths and sins that I needed to repent; to God first; then to my beloved. This I needed to do before I could ever forget as Paul said and leave behind. Those lessons, as hard as they are, are also proscriptive for pointing out the areas of ministry where we must ‘reach forward;’ that is, if it is God’s intent for us by our repentance to improve in our praise and adoration for His eternal glory and honor. If not, left covered; and swept under the rug of an ever hardening, thickening conscience and without repentance, it will only serve His justice later, when the record of conscience is played and it forever skips; replaying the shame and guilt of our sins. Boom box; Doom box.

Okay, maybe what I’ve just written is gobbledygook; maybe not, but way back when; shortly after I first got married, I thought that what I was doing was ‘God-honoring’ but today, as I look back, I learned that it alienated my precious bride. Let’s just say that my wife should have been by my side on stage from the first; loved as Christ loves His bride, but in actuality, I took her from the altar and put her in ‘my audience, front row.’ Even then, who bargains for that in a marriage if they’re seeking love? You see, sometimes, our heart is so deceitful that we are blind to the fact that we use even our professed belief and service ‘for God’ as a pass to gain an audience. In my case, my audience was built and doors open to gain approval and applause.

‘What’s wrong with that?’ you ask, and ‘the mouth’ counters, ‘Shouldn’t your wife be your greatest support? Shouldn’t she be in the front row?’

Then, the Spirit replies, ‘No, she should be your beloved and cherished; even as you are to me. What was it that Solomon wrote in his song? I am my Beloved’s and my Beloved is mine?’

‘Yes, Lord,’ I said but only in my heart. My mouth was shut.

Please don’t think that my intent here was to say that we should go about beating ourselves up; scouring our memories… over thinking; although that sounds so religiously monkish. However, that doesn’t mean either that we do not humbly approach God for understanding when we are dealing with difficult, trying issues in our relationships. We should commit ourselves in prayer for discernment, leave it to God in faith that He will answer and then proceed to serve; fully expecting God to direct our paths. What did Paul say in this verse? ‘I do not count myself to have apprehended.’ No, we haven’t fully apprehended all that God plans to reveal to us; either of Himself, or to ourselves. But, to the extent that God has shown us our sin, and we have repented, then we can move forward: guilt free; not guiltless. Please don’t dismiss this distinction: guilt free; not guiltless. Nevertheless, having repented, what is now before me? To love my wife, by the grace of God, as never before, and that’s the call.

Undoubtedly, as hard as it is to confront our sins in the light of God’s mercy and grace; it is better that we confront them here than later, in the light of His justice. If we truly are the called of God and are serving Him, we do so humbly and contritely, seeking to address the log in our own eye first; and yes, falling on His sword; double-edged and sharp. Yes, we make mistakes; we sin even in our genuine desire to serve the Lord. I take heart that that doesn’t mean my service was entirely forfeit. If we are in Christ, then we are His Son’s inheritance, and God will burn off our dross to produce if only a small drop of pure gold for His glory in heaven. Yes, there is much dross in my life. However, I am convinced that as the author of my faith, that He is faithful to bring to completion what He has begun. Yes, He will reveal in due course, and in the fulness of His time, what is necessary; just like this morning for me. Okay, maybe it did take forty-some odd years after the event to see how my sin of pride pushed her away; farther and farther back; row by row, but the fact that God did show it during my life so I can repent here; rather than to rue there? That is a tender mercy.

As for my readers, I also believe in faith that God will use this morning’s blog to His glory in your life. Oh, and permit me to say one other thing. If you did as I did… put off your loved ones; those closest to you… you know, put them in the audience and left them? You might first think and defend your action by trying to convince yourself that they should have been honored because you put them in the front row! However, ask yourself what happened over time? Did you find that you didn’t receive the applause that you hoped for? Not surprisingly, did you one day search for them in the front row where you thought you left them but low and behold they were in the balcony? Or, maybe you couldn’t find them at all. Why? They left the building entirely. If any of this rings true for you? Do what I did this morning, weep and repent. God may not restore your relationship with your loved one, but it will yours with Him.

For those who have ears, let them hear.